The Great Lesbian Vibrator Gift Exchange

Nothing says holiday cheer like a new vibrator for Christmas.

I'll get back to that in a moment.

But first, I have to tell two funny vibrator stories. Almost every lesbian I know has a good vibrator story...you know,,,the funny time you tried to go through airport security with it packed in your carry on...or the time the neighbor kid found it and thought it was a microphone...

If it didn't happen directly to you, it has happened to one of your friends.

In my case, both of these unfortunate incidents happened to my ex-girlfriend. Poor thing....bless her heart.

In the first, she was helping to move her best friend into a new apartment, and they were wrestling her queen size mattress towards the truck (of course it was a truck) where it would be loaded. My exe's best friend (I will refer to her here as Suzanne, mostly because her name is Suzanne) had been in a hurry, and hadn't even bothered to remove the fitted sheet from the mattress. With my ex on one side, and Suzanne on the other, they made their way onto the busy Anchorage street where the truck was parked.

They both froze when they heard the, "clunk!" followed by the "roll, roll, roll" sound. My ex looked at Suzanne, and said, "Is that what I think it is?" To which Suzanne simply responded, "Yep."

The thing (proudly and dramatically) rolled into the middle of the intersection. It may have been fluorescent pink, but that ultimately didn't save it from being struck by a car. I think both of them refused to retrieve it...and I think Suzanne may have the rest of her furniture inside and just called it good. Lord only knows what she had hidden in her box spring.

In the second incident, my ex (I will refer to her here as Jackie, mostly because her name is Jackie) had borrowed a vehicle to run some errands. She could not understand why people kept giving her disapproving looks at red lights. A few gave her "thumbs up" signs. A few more honked at her, and nearly every car that passed her had occupants straining to get a look at who was driving. She saw one family car pass with a mother covering her children's eyes.

When she finally got to where she was going, she quizzically walked around the vehicle to identify what all the fuss was about. There she found, firmly pressed up against the rear window glass and held in position by piles of clothing, a rather large, anatomically representative (and eerily lifelike) prosthetic type device-complete with painfully visible harness and extra shiny buckles. I believe the harness was studded in a rather ornamental fashion, and affixed with rhinestones.

Needless to say, Jackie had concealed the device for the trip home, and never borrowed her friend's car again.

I've never been to a "white elephant" gift exchange hosted by lesbians that didn't have a vibrator (or three) included as part of the gift menagerie. People usually include them to elicit giggles, but the competition over the "Super Rhino 3-speed beaded, rotator model with sonic, oscillating action and pull-start feature" model could get pretty fierce.

You would think the women were competing over a power tool.

Maybe they were.

I've always preferred the "kick start" models, but they require a forklift to move, and really aren't practical for potluck, gift exchange parties.

Anyway, Merry Christmas.

Batteries not included.