The Great Lesbian Vibrator Gift Exchange

Nothing says holiday cheer like a new vibrator for Christmas.

I'll get back to that in a moment.

But first, I have to tell two funny vibrator stories. Almost every lesbian I know has a good vibrator story...you know,,,the funny time you tried to go through airport security with it packed in your carry on...or the time the neighbor kid found it and thought it was a microphone...

If it didn't happen directly to you, it has happened to one of your friends.

In my case, both of these unfortunate incidents happened to my ex-girlfriend. Poor thing....bless her heart.

In the first, she was helping to move her best friend into a new apartment, and they were wrestling her queen size mattress towards the truck (of course it was a truck) where it would be loaded. My exe's best friend (I will refer to her here as Suzanne, mostly because her name is Suzanne) had been in a hurry, and hadn't even bothered to remove the fitted sheet from the mattress. With my ex on one side, and Suzanne on the other, they made their way onto the busy Anchorage street where the truck was parked.

They both froze when they heard the, "clunk!" followed by the "roll, roll, roll" sound. My ex looked at Suzanne, and said, "Is that what I think it is?" To which Suzanne simply responded, "Yep."

The thing (proudly and dramatically) rolled into the middle of the intersection. It may have been fluorescent pink, but that ultimately didn't save it from being struck by a car. I think both of them refused to retrieve it...and I think Suzanne may have the rest of her furniture inside and just called it good. Lord only knows what she had hidden in her box spring.

In the second incident, my ex (I will refer to her here as Jackie, mostly because her name is Jackie) had borrowed a vehicle to run some errands. She could not understand why people kept giving her disapproving looks at red lights. A few gave her "thumbs up" signs. A few more honked at her, and nearly every car that passed her had occupants straining to get a look at who was driving. She saw one family car pass with a mother covering her children's eyes.

When she finally got to where she was going, she quizzically walked around the vehicle to identify what all the fuss was about. There she found, firmly pressed up against the rear window glass and held in position by piles of clothing, a rather large, anatomically representative (and eerily lifelike) prosthetic type device-complete with painfully visible harness and extra shiny buckles. I believe the harness was studded in a rather ornamental fashion, and affixed with rhinestones.

Needless to say, Jackie had concealed the device for the trip home, and never borrowed her friend's car again.

I've never been to a "white elephant" gift exchange hosted by lesbians that didn't have a vibrator (or three) included as part of the gift menagerie. People usually include them to elicit giggles, but the competition over the "Super Rhino 3-speed beaded, rotator model with sonic, oscillating action and pull-start feature" model could get pretty fierce.

You would think the women were competing over a power tool.

Maybe they were.

I've always preferred the "kick start" models, but they require a forklift to move, and really aren't practical for potluck, gift exchange parties.

Anyway, Merry Christmas.

Batteries not included.

"Spooged" and other lesbian nightmares before Christmas..

This post doesnt actually have anything really to do with Christmas.

No.

 It's actually about the unfortunate shared lesbian experience of falling for women who are not lesbians...but given that Christmas is less than two weeks away and I am being assaulted by Christmas carols everywhere I go, AND given the fact that I'm probably never going to have another inspiration that includes discussing male genitalia in this particularly lesbian blog...I really ouldn't resist combining the two.

I've made myself giggle in a jolly manner several times as I mutilated Christmas carol titles in extremely inappropriate ways...I'm sure you can imagine..."Silver Balls,"..."Jingle Balls,"..."Let it Blow, Let it Blow, Let it Blow," "D*ck the Halls" (or "Deck the Balls" if you are an angry person)...I had one for "Jingle Bell Rock," but I think you get the idea.

I stopped with "O' Come all Ye Faithful" because I didn't want to get zapped in a freak winter lightning storm.

Anyway, after careful consideration...and after years of witnessing many heartbroken sisters drying their tears after facing the "battle of the banana"...I have to say, if you are a lesbian you will save yourself a LOT of emotionally wrenching moments if you stick to dating...uh....OTHER LESBIANS.

Really.

People gotta be WHO they are, and as surely as you aren't magically going to decide to drive a stick shift...a woman who isn't really a lesbian will eventually bypass your taco shack in search of a hot dog stand.

I remember falling in love with a gradeschool classmate who only had eyes for the boys. Oh, how i wished at the time that I could wake up and be an Oscar Meyer Wiener...that is truly what I really wanted to be...for if I were an Oscar Meyer Wiener...Mary Clark would fall in love with me.

That was until I discovered that there were other women just like me...and that I was destined to find complete bliss in the arms (and other important areas) of women who hungered only for other women...

I've been very lucky...something in me just has never led me astray...and I've managed to never fall in love with a woman who wasn't lesbian. If I know that in advance, I absolutely don't let my mind or heart go there. I think the only way that could actually happen to me is if someone presented themselves to be lesbian, but actually wasn't. Fortunately, you don't have to contend with too many "imposter lesbians"...quite the opposite, I would think.

"Yes, Marcie...you did an excellent job of using your new Acme nail driver to hang the Christmas decorations while your husband drank beer and watched the game...and I love your flannel print tree ornaments...you can come out of the closet now..."

Oh, who am I kidding? If Marcie were REALLY a lesbian she would have been on the couch with him, drinking beer and watching the game.

Anyway, my advice is to avoid falling for a woman who isn't a lesbian unless you want your heart to become more hopelessly tangled than that gigantic ball of Christmas lights you pull out of storage every year.

I realize that it is a bit confusing now in the days of Katy Perry's celebrated cherry chapstick diversions...the young'uns may not be familiar with the breed of lesbians ("super lesbians" I came to call them) who were so separatist that they even removed the word "men" from their own vocabulary of identity...

They referred to themselves as "womyn," danced naked around fires, beating drums, saving mentrual blood in mason jars...elevating all things feminine to a place of spiritual transcendence...Katy Perry probably never visited one of these communal living "womyn safe" spaces. Too bad, because they're a fun group! So fun, I'm going to give them their own blog entry someday.

In the meantime, I'm going to be thankful that I don't fall for "straight" girls...or "bi-curious" girls...

I'm dreaming of a dyke Christmas...

..and now I'm going to go sing a few bars of "Chester's Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire" in deference to all of my sisters who have ever had their Christmas ruined by testicles.

That's a sentence I never thought I would say....

 

The Great Lesbian Facebook Relationship Puke-a-thon

It starts out normally enough.

You are single...have been single...after a painfully damaging and messy break-up where you lost most of your pride, your dignity, your trust, and ALL of your Melissa Etheridge CD's.

But, you've grown. You've gotten stronger. You've learned to like your own company...and you've finally came to a place of peace, calm and forgiveness...of finally forgiving that stupid, lying cow who will never find anybody who loved her as much as YOU did, and is OBVIOUSLY totally blind and ignorant to how awesome you are, as IF she is really going to go out and just replace you, oh she will certainly get what she deserves when KARMA FINALLY CATCHES UP WITH HER DUMB ASS AND HER LIES, LIES, LIES...YEAH...YOU KEEP LYING TO YOURSELF YOU CHEAP DIME STORE FLOOZY...

Wow, Oops...

I digress...

Anyway, your proudly "single" status on Facebook is accompanied by that awesome (super cute, perfect hair day) profile picture of you happily posing with ALL of the waitresses from Hooters...and your status updates read like a chapter from "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade"....you're skydiving, and line dancing, kickboxing and cave spelunking...sometimes all on the same day...at the same time...while on horseback...

And every once in a while you post a "sure wish I had someone to snuggle with at these 87th Annual Academy Awards..." or "it's sort of lonely here in Acapulco...NOT...lol..."

And then, IT happens...and SHE walks into your life.

First there is this:

And then there is this:

And you are off careening at full speed down the "new lesbian relationship highway"...pretty sure that the sun rises and sets in her eyes. And in her pants...

Finally, after getting to know her across space and time, and across many different contexts...after carefully considering the dynamic between the two of you...after exhaustively soul searching, and after all of the intense emotional exchanges...after intimacy so powerful and so connected that you have been tearfully brought to the most real and honest place that you have EVER been to in your whole life...you are FINALLY ready to announce to the entire world that you have found that special someone...

So, on that third day you change your relationship status to "in a relationship."

This is rapidly followed by the customary 'changing of the profile picture.' You change it to what will become the first in an endless cascade of "couples" photos...of two smiling faces photographed from up above...where once there had been only one.

You update your status when you go out to dinner with her, when you go to the movies with her, when you are shopping for curtains with her, when you are hanging curtains with her, when you are getting your oil changed with her, when you are in line at the bank with her, when you are waiting in traffic with her, when you brush your cat with her, when you vacuum the sofa where you brushed your cat with her, when you brush your teeth with her, when you vacuum the sofa where you brushed your teeth with her (after the night out at the bar with her....which you also posted)...

A veritable avalanche continues...of cutesy pictures, touching song dedications, love mush memes, adorable love notes, nauseating pet names...leading your friends to be pretty sure you have been abducted by aliens...and leading several of them to take you off notifications (or to just 'un-friend' you entirely) because you are making them physically ill...

 
And then suddenly after a few months of this "deliriously happy blizzard of togetherness" there is a sudden radio silence...followed by the ominous and cryptic status update that reads only:

"Up my ass with a fuc**ng microscope."

 And that is all.

Followed by more silence...

...and then a relationship status change to "it's complicated."

And...IT begins.

The thinly veiled meme attack...the cryptic status update tsunami...the precisely placed character attacks (in comments sections) that are just vague enough so that they can be both made and denied at the same time...

And you hope SHE sees them, even though you have blocked each other and unblocked each other 437 times...and broken up and reconciled so frequently that even YOU can't remember where your relationship status stands...

You finally settle on single, after that whole "mutual restraining order" incident...and also settle on the pretty consistent belief that your ex is Satan. The 'melodic snoring windchimes' turn into:

...and the same girl who once made the birds sing turns into:

Fortunately, you are doing OK, as evidenced by the new profile pic of you licking whipped cream off of someone's face at the local club...

Welcome back, Indiana Jones. A few of your friends probably held on...and will probably keep on holding on until IT happens again...until, out of the blue, SHE walks in...

The next girl who will sit on your Facebook, and tell you that she loves you.