The Great Lesbian Facebook Relationship Puke-a-thon

It starts out normally enough.

You are single...have been single...after a painfully damaging and messy break-up where you lost most of your pride, your dignity, your trust, and ALL of your Melissa Etheridge CD's.

But, you've grown. You've gotten stronger. You've learned to like your own company...and you've finally came to a place of peace, calm and forgiveness...of finally forgiving that stupid, lying cow who will never find anybody who loved her as much as YOU did, and is OBVIOUSLY totally blind and ignorant to how awesome you are, as IF she is really going to go out and just replace you, oh she will certainly get what she deserves when KARMA FINALLY CATCHES UP WITH HER DUMB ASS AND HER LIES, LIES, LIES...YEAH...YOU KEEP LYING TO YOURSELF YOU CHEAP DIME STORE FLOOZY...

Wow, Oops...

I digress...

Anyway, your proudly "single" status on Facebook is accompanied by that awesome (super cute, perfect hair day) profile picture of you happily posing with ALL of the waitresses from Hooters...and your status updates read like a chapter from "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade"....you're skydiving, and line dancing, kickboxing and cave spelunking...sometimes all on the same day...at the same time...while on horseback...

And every once in a while you post a "sure wish I had someone to snuggle with at these 87th Annual Academy Awards..." or "it's sort of lonely here in Acapulco...NOT...lol..."

And then, IT happens...and SHE walks into your life.

First there is this:

And then there is this:

And you are off careening at full speed down the "new lesbian relationship highway"...pretty sure that the sun rises and sets in her eyes. And in her pants...

Finally, after getting to know her across space and time, and across many different contexts...after carefully considering the dynamic between the two of you...after exhaustively soul searching, and after all of the intense emotional exchanges...after intimacy so powerful and so connected that you have been tearfully brought to the most real and honest place that you have EVER been to in your whole life...you are FINALLY ready to announce to the entire world that you have found that special someone...

So, on that third day you change your relationship status to "in a relationship."

This is rapidly followed by the customary 'changing of the profile picture.' You change it to what will become the first in an endless cascade of "couples" photos...of two smiling faces photographed from up above...where once there had been only one.

You update your status when you go out to dinner with her, when you go to the movies with her, when you are shopping for curtains with her, when you are hanging curtains with her, when you are getting your oil changed with her, when you are in line at the bank with her, when you are waiting in traffic with her, when you brush your cat with her, when you vacuum the sofa where you brushed your cat with her, when you brush your teeth with her, when you vacuum the sofa where you brushed your teeth with her (after the night out at the bar with her....which you also posted)...

A veritable avalanche continues...of cutesy pictures, touching song dedications, love mush memes, adorable love notes, nauseating pet names...leading your friends to be pretty sure you have been abducted by aliens...and leading several of them to take you off notifications (or to just 'un-friend' you entirely) because you are making them physically ill...

 
And then suddenly after a few months of this "deliriously happy blizzard of togetherness" there is a sudden radio silence...followed by the ominous and cryptic status update that reads only:

"Up my ass with a fuc**ng microscope."

 And that is all.

Followed by more silence...

...and then a relationship status change to "it's complicated."

And...IT begins.

The thinly veiled meme attack...the cryptic status update tsunami...the precisely placed character attacks (in comments sections) that are just vague enough so that they can be both made and denied at the same time...

And you hope SHE sees them, even though you have blocked each other and unblocked each other 437 times...and broken up and reconciled so frequently that even YOU can't remember where your relationship status stands...

You finally settle on single, after that whole "mutual restraining order" incident...and also settle on the pretty consistent belief that your ex is Satan. The 'melodic snoring windchimes' turn into:

...and the same girl who once made the birds sing turns into:

Fortunately, you are doing OK, as evidenced by the new profile pic of you licking whipped cream off of someone's face at the local club...

Welcome back, Indiana Jones. A few of your friends probably held on...and will probably keep on holding on until IT happens again...until, out of the blue, SHE walks in...

The next girl who will sit on your Facebook, and tell you that she loves you.