"Spooged" and other lesbian nightmares before Christmas..

This post doesnt actually have anything really to do with Christmas.

No.

 It's actually about the unfortunate shared lesbian experience of falling for women who are not lesbians...but given that Christmas is less than two weeks away and I am being assaulted by Christmas carols everywhere I go, AND given the fact that I'm probably never going to have another inspiration that includes discussing male genitalia in this particularly lesbian blog...I really ouldn't resist combining the two.

I've made myself giggle in a jolly manner several times as I mutilated Christmas carol titles in extremely inappropriate ways...I'm sure you can imagine..."Silver Balls,"..."Jingle Balls,"..."Let it Blow, Let it Blow, Let it Blow," "D*ck the Halls" (or "Deck the Balls" if you are an angry person)...I had one for "Jingle Bell Rock," but I think you get the idea.

I stopped with "O' Come all Ye Faithful" because I didn't want to get zapped in a freak winter lightning storm.

Anyway, after careful consideration...and after years of witnessing many heartbroken sisters drying their tears after facing the "battle of the banana"...I have to say, if you are a lesbian you will save yourself a LOT of emotionally wrenching moments if you stick to dating...uh....OTHER LESBIANS.

Really.

People gotta be WHO they are, and as surely as you aren't magically going to decide to drive a stick shift...a woman who isn't really a lesbian will eventually bypass your taco shack in search of a hot dog stand.

I remember falling in love with a gradeschool classmate who only had eyes for the boys. Oh, how i wished at the time that I could wake up and be an Oscar Meyer Wiener...that is truly what I really wanted to be...for if I were an Oscar Meyer Wiener...Mary Clark would fall in love with me.

That was until I discovered that there were other women just like me...and that I was destined to find complete bliss in the arms (and other important areas) of women who hungered only for other women...

I've been very lucky...something in me just has never led me astray...and I've managed to never fall in love with a woman who wasn't lesbian. If I know that in advance, I absolutely don't let my mind or heart go there. I think the only way that could actually happen to me is if someone presented themselves to be lesbian, but actually wasn't. Fortunately, you don't have to contend with too many "imposter lesbians"...quite the opposite, I would think.

"Yes, Marcie...you did an excellent job of using your new Acme nail driver to hang the Christmas decorations while your husband drank beer and watched the game...and I love your flannel print tree ornaments...you can come out of the closet now..."

Oh, who am I kidding? If Marcie were REALLY a lesbian she would have been on the couch with him, drinking beer and watching the game.

Anyway, my advice is to avoid falling for a woman who isn't a lesbian unless you want your heart to become more hopelessly tangled than that gigantic ball of Christmas lights you pull out of storage every year.

I realize that it is a bit confusing now in the days of Katy Perry's celebrated cherry chapstick diversions...the young'uns may not be familiar with the breed of lesbians ("super lesbians" I came to call them) who were so separatist that they even removed the word "men" from their own vocabulary of identity...

They referred to themselves as "womyn," danced naked around fires, beating drums, saving mentrual blood in mason jars...elevating all things feminine to a place of spiritual transcendence...Katy Perry probably never visited one of these communal living "womyn safe" spaces. Too bad, because they're a fun group! So fun, I'm going to give them their own blog entry someday.

In the meantime, I'm going to be thankful that I don't fall for "straight" girls...or "bi-curious" girls...

I'm dreaming of a dyke Christmas...

..and now I'm going to go sing a few bars of "Chester's Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire" in deference to all of my sisters who have ever had their Christmas ruined by testicles.

That's a sentence I never thought I would say....