Lesbian Sex: Buckle Up and Wear a Helmet

One of the questions I am most frequently asked, besides "did you cut your hair with a hedge trimmer?" is, "how do lesbians have sex?"

Well, I'm not really able to diagram it here, but I will tell you that we lesbians are generally pretty good at the whole sex thing. And pretty enthusiastic about it, as well. There is also a certain amount of creativity involved....

We usually start with that initial trip to Home Depot, where we purchase the necessary scaffolding. It's also where we like to pick up our plastic sheeting, duct tape, rope, safety goggles, and some varnish. Depending on preferences, some women will go ahead and grab a "Caution: Wet Floor" sign. I haven't been fortunate enough to need one of those yet, but there's still time. Oh! And you are definitely going to need some D batteries and some heavy duty shears...or as we lesbians like to refer to them in lesbian code speak: "Scissors."  Snicker, snicker...

 I actually made all of that up, and I have no idea what I'm talking about.

Shocking, I know.

Actually, the sexual part of being a lesbian is the thing everyone focuses on. I always thought that was kind of funny, because it is only one aspect of being lesbian (albeit, an important one)...no one really considers the affectional or "spiritual" orientation involved. The sexual part of things just always seemed to occur naturally to me, and I never gave much thought to the mechanics of it all. Until of course, I am asked by a straight person. Usually, a guy...who can't imagine a scenario in which a lesbian could ever be fulfilled...truly fulfilled...in the absence of the..."D"....

No, not D batteries, silly. Although I do have a supply of those. For my, uh, flashlight.

It's a big flashlight.

Anyway, far be it from me to assume I could ever adequately describe lesbian sex to someone who needs to understand it in heterosexual terms. I don't think I could even describe it to another lesbian. I mean, it's not as if we go to the bedroom with a sketchpad and a schematic manual.

Well, most of us don't anyway.

Now, if you will excuse me...I'm going to go make up a new lesbian sexual maneuver. I'm going to call it the "Barbeque Tongs." I'm alone, so there is an added difficulty level.

Thank goodness I have a helmet.

Yes, Nuala. It does. Your honorary "flannel print" dog collar will arrive by mail in 4-6 weeks. If it's a female postal delivery person, you can eat her too.