Local Lesbian Labeled as Labeling Labeler...

So, when I first came out (back in THE DAY) things seemed a lot simpler.

I learned very quickly that I (and every other lesbian) were supposed to neatly fit into categories of "butch" or "femme." I grew up climbing trees, catching frogs, and I hated wearing dresses (possibly related to the climbing trees thing)-so I dutifully decided that I must be "butch."

Turns out, I'm pretty terrible at that.

I'm really emotional, and I cry at Kleenex commercials. I also like bubble baths, while listening to Enya. Sometimes I paint my toenails, and if I try to operate a power tool you should just save time and call an ambulance before I even plug it in. It also doesn't occur to me to open a door for another girl unless her hands are full...or if I happen to be the first one to reach it (like at a pizza buffet).  I had one ex who kept trying to get me to wear baggy pants and boots, and would get upset if I spent more than 5 minutes in the bathroom trying to get ready to go out anywhere. She left me for a man, ultimately. (There are some things I really can't be).

Apparently, she was one of those "bi-sexuals" I've heard so much about-but had never seen up close.

Anyway, I tried being "femme" for a while.

Turns out, I'm even WORSE at that.

I tried wearing makeup. My ex (who can go from casual ball cap day to "lipstick" like nobodies business) told me I look like a "drag queen" when I do that. I can't cook, and stopped trying eventually (because I care about myself and other people). I really had no business ever attempting to wear my hair long. I mean, I used to roll the curling iron thingy backwards, and end up with this amazing "clamp flip" effect that would cause people to point and stare. I would go into a coma if I even LOOKED at a fashion magazine (which is painfully apparent if you were to see my wardrobe).

I can eat a whole pizza. Without using my hands.

Anyway, I spent years being a mess, trying to fit in. I lived in Alaska. I mean, I could climb into the wilds and go fishing, but then I wanted to set all the fish free while apologizing for hurting them with the hook...

Someone told me I was a "baby butch"...whatever THAT means. I never liked the visual connotation that came to my head with that phrase...like the Gerber baby in flannel holding a pocket knife or something.

I finally settled into just being "me"...which seemed to work out pretty well for "me." I think as we get older, most of us get more comfortable in our own skins-accepting all of the ways that we may (or may not) fit the "molds," so to speak.

But, with social media, I'm now seeing all of these new categories-and I'm wondering if maybe my day has finally arrived.

I found an academic article from the Psychology of Women Quarterly (29, 2005) written by Lisa M. Diamond from the university of Utah titled: "A New View of Lesbian Subtypes: Stable Versus Fluid Identity Trajectories Over an 8 Year Period."

I immediately screamed and threw it away.

Then I got back to my regular non-academic trajectory. All of these cool labels! Woo hoo! I mean, I could be a butch, a femme, a lipstick lesbian, a chapstick lesbian, a boi, a baby dyke, a soft butch, a stud (I'm pretty sure I'm this-because it sounds really awesome), a dyke on a bike, a dyke on a tryke, a dyke flying a kite, a granola, a diesel, a hasbian, a LUG, a lone star, a gold star, a sport, a futch, a stem...

So MANY to choose from. So MANY aspirations and possibilities.

I think, though, that I will stick with, "Just Jo"...and do my marquis flashy hands like Jack from Will and Grace.

In the words of the late, great John Prine (songwriting genius):

Bewildered, bewildered
You have no complaint
You are what you are
and you ain't what you ain't

So listen up buster
and listen up good
Stop wishing for bad luck
and knocking on wood

I think from here forward I would like to ironically be known as the lesbian sociologist who is weary of labels...I can't stand the pressure.

Which reminds me. I was at a small town crosswalk where I met a woman riding a horse. She said she was a lesbian actress from Lebanon.

 Wouldn't that make her a Lebanese, lesbian, pedestrian, equestrian, thespian?

I don't mean to unfairly label her, but you know how THEY are.