Lesbian Recruitment and the Elusive Toaster Oven...

Times are tough in the lesbian recruitment industry.

It used to be that everyone was in the closet, just hoping to get out. They simply needed a little encouragement.

Then Katy Perry had to go and KISS a girl, LIKE it, and then SING about it all over the damn radio. And she's not even gay! In one stupid song, she instantly qualified herself for more toaster ovens than I could EVER hope for in an entire lifetime.

Not to mention what she did for the cherry chapstick industry.

I've spent years trying to get my hands on that elusive toaster oven...to no avail. I did hold extended eye contact with a straight female co-worker once, and I got a stupid can opener in the mail. Not one of those fancy "Magic Chef" ones, mind you. No. I got the tiny, deformed, ghetto, camping version that doesn't even have any handles. Somebody in the front office (which is located in the heart of downtown Antler, Oklahoma) thought they were being funny.

It is possible that I am a little bit jealous. I mean, every lesbian I know has at least temporarily converted somebody- and therefore qualified for, at minimum, a basic blender.

My ex-wife used to have so many "straight" women throwing themselves at her, they used to call her the "spatula."

Boy, could she flip them!

Gosh, I remember the glory days when all we had to do was inspire some "bi-curious" confusion, and we could score a lovely crystal punch bowl set.
Not any more.

I'm not sure what the penalty is for actually failing to bring in my quota. I am getting concerned enough about it that I might have to make a few phone calls...to call in the big guns.

I have family in Arkansas. I can pull some strings.

I hate to do it, but in this new climate of emerging civil rights, community empowerment, and institutional validation-women who might be gay seem to just come marching out of the closet all on their own. I'm actually concerned that one day there won't even BE a closet anymore...and then we lesbians would all have to go to Wal-Mart for our toaster ovens...just like everybody else.

The horror!