The "Straight Agenda" is ruining my banana...

It's all part of their diabolical plan...

So, depending on which studies you consult, somewhere between 85-95% of the population is "straight." I guess this means that the "straights" aren't going to be going anywhere anytime soon, and that we gays are just going to have to learn to live with them. I had kind of been hoping they would all just move to Branson, Missouri...and be happy there with their big belt buckles, neatly coiffed hair, and matching polyester leisure suits.

Since it appears that isn't going to happen, I'm going to choose tolerance.

I've heard about the so called "straight agenda," and I always thought it was some kind of deliberate attempt to make my consumption of bananas awkward. As you can see from the above picture, their plan has been pretty effective. At least in my case. Still, I decided that I could live with the inconvenience...maybe even use it to my advantage to work through some deep-seated emotional issues I have with patriarchy...

But, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately (UH OH). I think there is more to it than just bananas. And cucumbers. And some varieties of squash. And hot dogs. And corn, if you are really freaky.

It occurs to me that the straights are EVERYWHERE, and they have been pushing their lifestyle on me since the day I was born...trying to make their personal, private choices appear to be the only option around...infiltrating Toys R Us pushing their baby dolls and E-Z Bake ovens on me before I even knew what was happening to me...steering me into clothing store sections dominated by frilly, delicate, fragile, pink things that constricted my movements and ability to climb trees.

I don't even LIKE pink (except under some very specific circumstances which I won't cover here).

It has dawned on me that they have been DELIBERATELY working to influence my choice of life partners with the strange and repetitive message that, "someday my Prince will come."

Ewwww!!! No!

Don't threaten me!

Even worse, THEY have totally positioned themselves in the political arena...and not only were our gay marriages demeaned and belittled...apparently they were even ILLEGAL!!! Fortunately, that's almost and finally becoming just a silly part of our country's past...although from time to time I really worry that the hetero handling of marriage (cheating, dysfunction, divorcing at really high rates, remarrying over and over again, having horrid bridemaid dresses) is going to cheapen the meaning of marriage in general...but, again...I'll be tolerant, because I apparently have to be.

Look, I don't care what the straights do in the privacy of their own homes...but I don't appreciate their whole lifestyle being constantly rammed down my throat (so to speak). Consenting adults can do what they want to behind closed doors...but it's almost as if the straights FLAUNT their sexuality...kissing each other in public, holding hands...using their sexuality to sell beer, and cars. And Yoplait yogurt.

I honesty don't care if they are straight, as long as they ACT gay in public...or at least keep their affections to themselves.

Not long ago you couldn't even turn on the TV or go to a movie without seeing heterosexuals doing sex stuff to each other. Thank goodness gay people in the entertainment industry started speaking up, and coming out in droves. I mean, we are kind of over-represented in the entertainment industry due to the fact that we have a disproportionate level of talent and fabulousness amongst our people.

Discriminatory actions and offensive/insulting language are now considered unacceptable in a pretty big way...and often result in consequences for the people who are doing it. I guess in Hollywood that can include "blacklisting"...and be a real career killer (kind of like being "outed" as a gay person USED to be).

Gee, that's too bad! It's sad that the homophobic people are being forced into a closet through the mechanisms of ostracizing and social disapproval. I'll bet it's dark and claustrophobic in there.

I think the response of accusing gay people of having a "gay mafia" to enforce this stuff is kind of silly. It reminds me of someone asking, "Do these pants make my butt look big?" Well, no. It's your large butt that makes your butt look big.

"Do these offensive statements make me look like a homophobic idiot?"

Well, actually, yes. But, it's also your homophobic idiocy that makes you look like a homophobic idiot.

It doesn't matter what pants you wear. At least large butts can be attractive.

There is a concept in sociology called, "relative deprivation." In this context, a person in a previously privileged position will possibly find themselves feeling deprived, threatened, or angry when those who had previously been oppressed start gaining EQUAL standing. Equality itself can seem like an intrusion.

Gay people pointing out the obvious, making noise about it, refusing to hide any longer (in fact, making visibility a protest tool), turning the tables, exposing discriminatory elements in our culture, confronting someone when they offend, and YES...using their positions of power and authority to enforce the point...these are elements of a social change movement. Not a "mafia." That's funny.

If we DID have a mafia, we would somehow have to advance beyond straight men (such as Tom Hanks or Robin Williams) playing gay characters in the movies. We would even need to advance beyond GAY men playing gay characters in the movies. What we would need is some kind of secret super weapon to REALLY blow the presumption of heterosexuality out of the water.

Boom! Take THAT!

I'm going to go eat a banana...wherever and however I want to.

This frog is female, blue, and totally subversive.

Lesbian Gang Signs: A Tutorial

"Hello. I am a lesbian. Are you also a lesbian? Can I meet your dog?"

There are a few "insider" things that we card carrying lesbians usually keep under wraps. Our "industry secrets" if you will.

I've decided to share some of our lesbian gang signs with you.

I could get in a lot of trouble with the National Association of Secret Lesbian Stuff (NASLS). Most people don't even know that our organization exists...so for now we'll just pretend that I...uh... made it up.

I share all of this with you because I think there has been a lot of misinformation and confusion out there. I also think that it is important that straight people be properly equipped if they find themselves in one of the inner city lesbian ghettos...or Home Depot on a Saturday afternoon.

You want to be able to meaningfully communicate with the lesbians. It is also important for both comfort and safety that you know how to both read and interpret  lesbian hand gestures. Failure to understand could be costly, or at the very least, awkward.

The sign at the top is just a simple Identity-fier. It can be deployed by lesbians in most situations...it should not be confused with the "loser" sign, which is positioned directly in front of the forehead. This particular identifying sign was more popular back in the 60's before advances in 'gaydar technology' rendered it nearly obsolete. (There was also some confusion created by the 70's sitcom "Laverne and Shirley")...this sign seems to be making a bit of a comeback now that changing social norms in fashion and hairstyles (and people like Katy Perry) have made instant visual recognition much more difficult.

"Would you like to rent a U-Haul together?"

The "U-Haul" sign was taken directly from the American Sign Language alphabet, and deploys both the "U" and the "H" simultaneously. Be VERY careful in the use of this one, unless you want to end up living with a lesbian of your very own.

"Hey girl, would you like to 'scissor' with me?"

It is extremely important that you avoid this sign at all costs if you are a "straight" person. In fact, if a lesbian deploys this sign at you, try to avoid making direct eye contact, and leave the area immediately. I cannot stress this enough. Just trust me.

There are a few more signs, but I really can't bring myself to model them.

Damn you, 'Thelma and Louise' truck driver

The above photo was an attempt of mine to model what used to be a perfectly acceptable and frequently used sign for a common lesbian activity. Unfortunately, Ridley Scott ruined it by having the truck driver in 'Thelma and Louise' use it improperly. Our collective mental retinas have all been scarred, and it has been appropriated by straight males as part of their poorly executed mating ritual.

Also, be aware that these gang signs probably do not translate cross culturally. In Australia, for example, the above gesture means, "Up yours twice, mate."

I hope this has been helpful...and that NASLS will take into account that I did NOT share the secret handshake. I really want to keep my membership card.

The Care and Feeding of Your Thanksgiving Lesbian...

Don't panic

That time of year is once again upon us when we will gather our family and friends around us, to celebrate and to give thanks for all of the wonderful blessings that have been bestowed in our general directions.

If you are like most American households, you will probably have to deal with the care and feeding of your family lesbian (we ALL have an aunt who is a lesbian-or perhaps a daughter who is experimenting if she is in college). If your lesbian has a partner or a wife, you may even have more than one to tend to. There is no need to panic. I'm here to help.

The first thing to know is that it is very possible that your family lesbian(s) cannot eat anything that you have in your refrigerator, your cupboards, or even at your local Albertsons. If you don't want your family lesbian(s) to show up and only be able to eat the low sodium chick peas (out of a can) that have been hiding in the back of your pantry for several years, you will probably need to make a trip to Trader Joe's (Whole Foods or Sprouts can also help you).

Trader Joe's doesn't actually have a "lesbian section," because the whole store is a lesbian section. The lesbians share it with the hippies, social workers, liberal activists, nutritionists, 'law of attraction' life coaches...and also with a guy named Fred who is trying to cope with a spiritual awakening following his near-death experience.

Remember to avoid anything with meat, animal by-products, processed sugars, or dairy. Make sure that it is organic, free range, has no artificial preservatives or synthetic colors, and is gluten-free. Foods should have an exotic sounding name (tibouli, chimichurri rice, jadida cakes), or maybe just be impossible to pronounce correctly (quinoa). It should have no flavor, and a texture similar to shag carpeting.

I know what you are thinking. You're thinking about buying some more chick peas, aren't you? Well, you can do that if you are planning to make hummus from scratch. Lesbians LOVE hummus. Especially Jill...if she's invited, make a lot (WTF Jill?).

But you really CAN diversify your menu.

Here is an example of what I often purchase in anticipation of my annual lesbian "Second Harvest Potluck," which I mostly hold just to make Pat Robertson nervous because it sounds super Wiccany (I made that word up):

I generally start by getting some Haricot verts to go with the grilled eggplant and zucchini melange. I then pick up some organic, steel-cut quinoa branberry muesli clusters with carob flaxseed sprinkles in a light pomegranate cous cous fig sauce with roasted and salted pepitas on the side.

For dessert we have some dried Chilean mango flakes with re hydrated sea salt.

OK. I have NO idea what I am talking about. I don't even know what a "vert" is, and how the hell are you supposed to rehydrate sea salt? I don't even think branberries exist. As if I know how to cook. OMG.

At Trader Joe's just find Ashley, and tell her you have lesbians coming for dinner. She'll set you up.

Or even better, just ask the lesbians themselves. While it does seem to be true that there are a higher than average number of socially aware and nutritionally deliberate, vegan lesbians out there-they do make tofurkey...so still, no need to panic. Nothing says "Second Harvest" like a soybean curd bird...

 Lesbian potluck leftovers are really the only area in which lesbian's pets (fur babies) might occasionally feel a little deprived...but they are compensated with doggie therapists, pet psychics, play dates, and massages...

And, you know, there is a very good chance that your family lesbian(s) also have no idea what a "vert" is, and really just want to kick back and watch the game with a beer and some nachos.

Organic stone-ground blue corn chips only, please.

The Cornwell Bitch-Slap (and other lesbian literary adventures)...

So, my friend (I will refer to her here as Debbie, mostly because her name is Debbie) has apparently had this photo banned in her house. This is a promotional photo for the new book, "Flesh and Blood" by Patricia Cornwell. I mention this because I took the photo directly from her Facebook page, and figure if I plug the book she won't sue me for using the image.

Actually, it would be ok if she sued me for using the image.

I can hear myself in court now.

"Ms. Nicholson, is it true that you posted this image on your blog without permission and in direct contradiction with United States copyright laws?"

"Yes, your Honor, and that's not all I did with this image..."

Patricia Cornwell is a 57 year-old author of the best selling "Kay Scarpetti" crime mystery series. She is also a lesbian.

She is insanely hot, and makes me want to do ab crunches until I pass out. I mean, 57!!!

I can see how this picture could end up banned in a lesbian household. As my friend stated in the following exchange:

DS: My girlfriend told me I'm not allowed to look at this picture. Spoilsport.

DT (the girlfriend): Cornwell is banned!

DS: Rut Roh. I'm in trouble.

JN: Hubba. Repetitively.

DS: That's what I said, but mysteriously I got slapped and I have no idea why!

JN: It's the famous "Cornwell Bitch-Slap"...don't ever leave one of the books face-side down on the coffee table. Be prepared.

DS: LMFAO! The Cornwell Bitch-Slap is a thing? Who knew?

JN: Right? And it's much more dangerous than the "Rita Mae Brown Headlock."

Or the "Fannie Flagg Chokehold" which first gained notoriety in South Carolina.

I may have made that up. I may have made all of this up.

Anyway, this picture gives me hope that I may still be able to become a hot writer and be banned in lesbian households across America!

We all have to dream.

I'm going to go do some crunches and work on my memoirs.

Lesbian Sexual Role Playing: Forbidden Swatches and Aching Squirrel Chiclets...

OK, so maybe this has less to do with being a lesbian. and more to do either with mental illness, or a lack of imagination...but I found myself in a funny conversation the other night.

I may or may not have been discussing sexual role playing...and whether or not that "works" for me.

I suppose given the right scenario, that could be kind of hot. I had a few questions, and then a few suggestions.

I know several of my "straight" friends who have told me a few stories...you know...

"Ok...I'm a hitchhiker, and you pick me up along a dark road..." or "I'm a housewife, and you're the cable guy who shows up during the available blocks of time between 9-11am, or 1-3pm sometime in March.."

I have a friend who is a nurse, and her boyfriend is a doctor. Apparently, they play...uh...a doctor and a nurse.

That's cray cray. That must be a huge acting stretch.

"I'm not a doctor, but I play one on T.V. No wait, I AM a doctor..."

So, anyway, I got to thinking about two women-and how you might have to be a bit more creative-given that the roles aren't just instantly gender specified.

I asked my...uh..."special friend"..if we were allowed to have costumes or props.

"Well, I don't see why not." she said.

I thought about it for a while, while eyeballing the ceramic squirrel in my room.

"Ok, I got one..." I said breathily.

"What is it?" she asked with smoldering anticipation.

"I'm a veterinary lab technician, and you're a dental hygienist assistant. I'm bringing in a rescue squirrel who has a toothache."

She blinked at me.

I grabbed my squirrel off my nightstand, and continued my creative elaborations...

"He's going to need some kind of teeth to make this work. Do you have any chiclets?"

She gently told me (after informing me that, no, she she didn't have any chiclets), that she didn't really see how that scenario could develop into something sexy...even though I had offered to forget the squirrel prop. I told her we could just imagine maybe a gerbil, or a turtle, or something...and she suggested I try another scenario ENTIRELY, even though I had kind of liked that one.

Whatever.

So, I tried again.

"Ok...I'm the Wal-Mart greeter, and you're the fry girl at the in-store McDonald's."

She again looked at me blankly, with just a hint of concern.

So, I went on...

"Welcome to Wal-Mart, you beautiful and smoking hot McDonald's employee whom I have never in my life met before..."

I waited, but she was silent. So, I tried to help.

"Now, you tell me to be careful, because the fries are hot...oh, so....hot..."

She shook her head.

'No? Ok, you make one up. Show me how it's done, smarty pants."

I think at this point she was just kind of stunned (perhaps a little frightened), and our conversation wandered to considering some actual jobs we had had in our lives. She told me how she had worked at some fancy interior design studio as a "Fabric Librarian" (No, REALLY), and I told her how I had worked at Subway during my undergrad years, back when they used to slice the tops off of the loaves of bread like a boat-which you would fill with sandwich makings and then replace the top. We referred to ourselves as, "Sandwich Artists."

So, we considered the possibilities.

"How do you propose that these two might come together?" she asked tentatively, "I mean, somehow they have to end up in the same room for this to work."

"Well," I repled, "I could come into your studio to deliver a sandwich and ask to see your swatches."

Silence again.

"You know...I could walk in and say, 'Hello, there...I have your 6-inch tuna on wheat. Can you show me your swatches? Do you have anything in a....Seafoam Green?'" I was trying to use my best sexy voice, emphasizing the word 'seafoam'.

I could see she was trying really hard to get on board with this (bless her heart).

"Only interior designers are allowed to see my swatches..." she said slowly. "I could take you in the back...but, I could get...fired."

"Oh, you are such a bad, bad girl."

After a moment, she just shook her head again, but I kept going.

"Ok...so maybe instead you could come into Subway on your lunch break."

I think here is where she just started messing with me.

"Hi! Welcome to subway! What can I get you, you beautiful and smoking hot customer whom I have never, ever seen before in my whole life?"

Her voice had decidedly lost it's breathy tone as she placed her imaginary order.

"Yeah, um, I'll take a six inch BMT with everything on it."

I could tell she was losing her enthusiasm, but I wasn't going to be deterred.

"Are you sure you wouldn't be interested in a....footlong...they are only five dollars...for a limited time..."

I think she rolled her eyes at that one.

"Yeah, Ok. Fine. Whatever."

"And what kind of bread would you like your footlong on?"

She just looked at me, totally amused and finally replied, "I don't know. Why don't you tell me about the kinds of breads that you have?"

 I jumped on the chance to elaborate, because I am all about detail.

"I'm so glad you are interested in my bread complexities. Perhaps I can utilize my keenly developed sense of sandwich artistry and make a well-informed and highly trained suggestion for you..." I could see she was about to laugh, but I continued on. "You look like an Italian Herb and Spices kind of girl...I could...toast it for you..."

"Look, I only have 45 minutes for lunch. I really don't think this is going to work...I don't think I'm ever going to get a sandwich at this pace..."

Yeah. I could totally see her point. Maybe role-playing just isn't my strong suit. Ultimately, we just decided to be ourselves, which totally works for me...maybe it's just easier for the heterosexuals.

I think my ceramic squirrel is so relieved.

Lesbian Exes: Detached Garages and the Eukanuba Agreement...

So, my friend (I will refer to her here as Jessica, mostly because her name is Angela) suggested I write a post on lesbians and their exes. I had to think about this one for a while. I mean, what's so different about lesbians and their exes? Everyone has exes.

Then it came to me.

While most straight people have exes who live in Texas (I know this, because they write songs about it), many lesbian women have exes who live down the block and with whom they share joint custody of some furry creature.

Sometimes, they also share custody of a dog or cat.

Ba dump bump! I'll be here all week!

Anyway...back to my keen observations...

Granted, this idea PARTIALLY occurred to me because Jessica/Angela specifically suggested this exact, identical, nearly verbatim idea to me.

Our exchange went something (exactly) like this:

J/A: You should blog about lesbians who are still attached to and like their exes. I hate that!

JO: That is an AWESOME blog topic!!! I'm already getting ideas. I can totally work with that.

JO: Hi. I'm Jo. I'm hoping my ex gets eaten by an alligator.

J/A: I would LOVE it if a girl told me that! Instead I get...my ex is my best friend, or my ex and I still take turns with the dog or...my ex lives 3 houses down.

J/A; ...or...my ex still eats dinner at my mom's because she was a big part of the family for 7 years etc.

J/A: Straight girls cut their exes wieners off with dull knives.

JO: HAHAHAHA...oh...the ideas...I put mine on my blog with a mustache...not in any way equivalent to a dull knife, but I certainly did laugh a little too loudly...

NOTE: To see my ex with a mustache, please refer to the posting dated 10/3/14 and titled "Lesbian Relationships and Exploding Emotional Petrie Dishes." My ex would be the blond woman with the rather large mustache, sunglasses, giant red bow, chin whiskers, and a cigarillo dangling out of her mouth. Please refer your friends.

Anyway, I really think she is onto something. This 'friends with the exes' thing does seem to be a regular phenomenon in the lesbian community. It's strange. Even Melissa Etheridge ended up getting two separate houses with a shared backyard when she split with her ex-wife Julie Cypher. Supposedly it was to facilitate shared parenting of their human children...but I'll bet there were a few dogs and cats involved too.

Again, like the U-Haul phenomenon, I can't imagine the same scenarios going over as well in the heterosexual community. I mean, really.

I would forecast some troubles...and maybe a guest shot on Maury Povich.

I have to admit, I have been (and still am) touched by this phenomenon. I am friends with a few of my exes, and I have certainly had my fair share of girlfriends who also have ongoing entanglements with former domestic partners. I can't even tell you how many intense phone conversations I have witnessed as a result.

"Becky, you PROMISED you wouldn't let Figaro get attached to Miranda."

"Yes, and YOU promised that you wouldn't deviate from Eukanuba. That doesn't exactly explain what I discovered in his litter box this morning."

"Whatever. I'll see you at the dog park at 4:45 sharp...and this time please bring Cheeto's special bowl and squeaky Armadillo. He shouldn't be without them all week."

"Fine. Hey, there's a college production of 'Vagina Monologues'...you wanna go? Miranda hates that stuff."

"Absolutely! I found a rare live recording of Ani DiFranco reading Andrea Gibson. I wanted you to hear it."

Etc. Etc. Etc.

It can certainly be a challenge to deal with that stuff.

If it weren't for my exes with detached garages, I would never have been able to pursue music or writing. I'm pretty sure there are some current girlfriends who would love to kill me.

Especially when I deviate from the Eukanuba agreement.

Lesbians and Power Tools: Snap On, Snap Off

So, my 'loaner cats' knocked a plastic cup full of iced coffee onto the floor (because cats are a**holes), and it required some clean-up. It was the perfect opportunity for me to pull out the Craftsmane wet/dry shop vac, followed by the Bissell Green Machine Spot Remover, followed by the Dyson Steam Cleaner/Electric Floor Buffer. That, of course, led to the tiniest bit of floor varnish being removed...and so I had no choice but to bring out the sanders, drills, saws, presses, clamps, levels, brushes, sponges, safety harness, goggles, gloves, wrenches, socket set, air compressor, staple gun, hydraulic lift, tack hammer, phillips screwdriver and stud finder necessary to do the job right.

Turns out I totally didn't need the stud-finder.

Lesbians will find any excuse to play with tools...especially POWER TOOLS. I am no exception. What IS exceptional about me is that I have NO idea what I am doing...

But, I don't let little things like a lack of knowledge, or awareness of important safety precautions, get in my way. This often leads to interventions...friends trying to help me (or prevent a fire)...I am blessed with friends who are concerned for my (or their own) well-being.

Many of my friends are lesbians, so most of them know how to use power tools. In fact, many of them have collections of power tools that would make most men envious.

Many lesbians go to Home Depot like straight women go to Neiman Marcus...just to peruse the aisles and "window-shop." A lot of lesbians will go there and actually get the idea to PUT IN a window. Again, any excuse to purchase or break out the tools...

I go to Home Depot to pick up chicks. On a Saturday afternoon, it's second only to a local softball tournament for a high concentration of lesbians in any singular location.

But that's for another entry.

What's really fun is when you get two women with dueling toolboxes. It can get competitve. The old, "my toolbox is bigger than your toolbox" syndrome. We lesbians have to be careful not to leave our partner's feeling...uh...inadequate. It can get scary when the toilet backs up...having nothing to do with the toilet itself.

Lesbians can be sort of competitive. I know some who wear cleats while playing Pictionary.

Anyway, I'm headed out to my backyard with my impact wrench, hydraulic hole press, gutter nail driver, and my new Graco Fusion AP Gunround Adhesive Spatter Gun.

I have a birdfeeder to put up.