The Care and Feeding of Your Thanksgiving Lesbian...

Don't panic

That time of year is once again upon us when we will gather our family and friends around us, to celebrate and to give thanks for all of the wonderful blessings that have been bestowed in our general directions.

If you are like most American households, you will probably have to deal with the care and feeding of your family lesbian (we ALL have an aunt who is a lesbian-or perhaps a daughter who is experimenting if she is in college). If your lesbian has a partner or a wife, you may even have more than one to tend to. There is no need to panic. I'm here to help.

The first thing to know is that it is very possible that your family lesbian(s) cannot eat anything that you have in your refrigerator, your cupboards, or even at your local Albertsons. If you don't want your family lesbian(s) to show up and only be able to eat the low sodium chick peas (out of a can) that have been hiding in the back of your pantry for several years, you will probably need to make a trip to Trader Joe's (Whole Foods or Sprouts can also help you).

Trader Joe's doesn't actually have a "lesbian section," because the whole store is a lesbian section. The lesbians share it with the hippies, social workers, liberal activists, nutritionists, 'law of attraction' life coaches...and also with a guy named Fred who is trying to cope with a spiritual awakening following his near-death experience.

Remember to avoid anything with meat, animal by-products, processed sugars, or dairy. Make sure that it is organic, free range, has no artificial preservatives or synthetic colors, and is gluten-free. Foods should have an exotic sounding name (tibouli, chimichurri rice, jadida cakes), or maybe just be impossible to pronounce correctly (quinoa). It should have no flavor, and a texture similar to shag carpeting.

I know what you are thinking. You're thinking about buying some more chick peas, aren't you? Well, you can do that if you are planning to make hummus from scratch. Lesbians LOVE hummus. Especially Jill...if she's invited, make a lot (WTF Jill?).

But you really CAN diversify your menu.

Here is an example of what I often purchase in anticipation of my annual lesbian "Second Harvest Potluck," which I mostly hold just to make Pat Robertson nervous because it sounds super Wiccany (I made that word up):

I generally start by getting some Haricot verts to go with the grilled eggplant and zucchini melange. I then pick up some organic, steel-cut quinoa branberry muesli clusters with carob flaxseed sprinkles in a light pomegranate cous cous fig sauce with roasted and salted pepitas on the side.

For dessert we have some dried Chilean mango flakes with re hydrated sea salt.

OK. I have NO idea what I am talking about. I don't even know what a "vert" is, and how the hell are you supposed to rehydrate sea salt? I don't even think branberries exist. As if I know how to cook. OMG.

At Trader Joe's just find Ashley, and tell her you have lesbians coming for dinner. She'll set you up.

Or even better, just ask the lesbians themselves. While it does seem to be true that there are a higher than average number of socially aware and nutritionally deliberate, vegan lesbians out there-they do make tofurkey...so still, no need to panic. Nothing says "Second Harvest" like a soybean curd bird...

 Lesbian potluck leftovers are really the only area in which lesbian's pets (fur babies) might occasionally feel a little deprived...but they are compensated with doggie therapists, pet psychics, play dates, and massages...

And, you know, there is a very good chance that your family lesbian(s) also have no idea what a "vert" is, and really just want to kick back and watch the game with a beer and some nachos.

Organic stone-ground blue corn chips only, please.